Personal / Won chong · February 19, 2010

This week has been a wash

It’s Friday, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess I’m looking forward to sleeping in. I’ve made some time to see a few friends over this weekend, I’m looking forward to that. Plus there’s Movie Night on Sunday – that will make me happier too.

I’ve spent the whole week in a trough – I completely lost a day this week. I finally figured out this morning that having President’s Day off has thrown me completely out of whack. I was so sure that Thursday was actually Wednesday.

‘Grief is no fun’ would seem to be an obvious truism. But in the initial weeks after Won’s death, I thought I had a kind of strength that allowed me to continue my daily routine. I’ve since learned, through experience and through counseling, that this was merely a form of shock.

As the barriers of shock crumbled, so did my composure. I literally spent all of Tuesday with tears in my eyes. I went through my projects at work this week automatically, on neutral – with no flair nor interest. I’ve since regained some of my composure, but even now a thought, a place, an object can bring me back to tears.

Roger Ebert is right, there is no “dignity” in dying. I would add that there is very little dignity in mourning.

Ours was not a fairy tail marriage. We had some really rocky times, and for a while I was sure we wouldn’t make it. But I was always there for her. And now she’s not there.

This whole town is haunted. I walk into stores where she once touched a door, I step where I know she has stepped in the past. When I drive down the road my eye is caught by the places where we’ve stopped to eat.

She loved the spring cherry blossoms. The cherry tree outside my office complex is once again in bloom.

I know there will be peaks of joy again in my life – but right now I’m in a trough of the wave, and all I can see around me are walls of water. There are, however, still things that I’m passionate about, still things that can draw me out of myself.

So I know I won’t always feel this way.