Personal / Won chong · March 12, 2010

My life is in transition

The world around me seems real now. For almost the whole month of February, the world felt as if it were detached, dream-like and stuffed with a particularly flavorless cotton candy.

It is odd. I wake and my first thoughts aren’t about Won – but my second or third thoughts are often about her. I am still not to the point where I can dwell on her without tears, without survivor’s guilt – but it is not crippling now.

I can remember our disagreements, and still feel upset about them, still feel my old positions, righteous when I was right, remorseful when I was wrong. But when I remember our good times together… well, that’s when the tears flow.

The other night I had a dream where I was walking my little dog Tasha outside. In a tree sat a huge golden eagle that eyed Tasha hungrily and then gave a lion’s roar. I scooped up my dog and ran back inside where she was safe. When I woke, I realized there were many things in my life that were important to me, that I wanted to protect – my pets, my family, my friends.

I spent 23 years protecting Won. I taught her to drive, gave her more and more independence as she became integrated into America, graduated college, and finally took and passed (100%!) her citizenship test. I also protected her as she became sick – there were many times we rushed to the ER, and once she took a 200 mile ambulance ride for emergency heart surgery, with me scrambling to arrange for a pet sitter and follow behind her.

Last night I rented the movie “Zombieland” and laughed like a crazy person. It was wonderful! Emma Stone and Jesse Eisenberg reminded me of Anthony Michael Hall and Molly Ringwald in “Breakfast Club” – I’m not sure why… perhaps it was just the feel of an ‘80’s movie? Back then it was all about the hair, and now it seems to be about the eyes – Stone’s smoked and sultry eye makeup never seemed to smear or run. And none of the characters were splattered by blood, good thing I guess for a contagious zombie disease.

Stone is cute – and it is distressing for me to realize she was born 5 years after I graduated high school. Funny, I don’t FEEL old.

Won would have hated this movie. She liked “real” horror, like Amityville, or The Omen. She didn’t like the ever increasing dark humor in the whole “zombie apocalypse” genre. Ah well, she liked soap operas, both American and Korean, which I often found boring.

I’m heading to a birthday party on Saturday, CVAAS movie night on Sunday. Tonight I hope to start gluing up my next woodshop project, and hopefully finish it over the weekend.

And Tasha needs to go on a long walk. On Saturday I think I’ll walk her across the street to California State University, Fresno. There aren’t any Golden Eagles there, only squirrels and pushy Scrub Jays.